Then Again – It’s No Secret

His one arm wrapped around her head with fingers fixated on her hair and another around her waist. His body was so thin that her both hands could meet perfectly after hugging his body. A small and congested sofa, a thin pashmina shawl covering them both to keep warm on a very cold February day. The big talks about future and their life together looked no less than a romantic scene from a rom-com super-hit movie. That tight hug, that passionate kiss, that caring voice and loving nature, that gentle smile…. Ahhh!!! like on a trip of hundreds of hallucinogens.

Suddenly her thoughts go blur and she’s conscious now. She hates herself for imagining memories of someone who does not even exist in her life anymore. It was the past. But this very momental view must have played in her head like million times. She has constantly been haunted by this very memory.

It showed 1 a.m. on her phone. It had already been more than an hour since she had been trying to sleep. Sleeping for her has been like The Hunger Games for her. As soon as she thinks she’s close to escaping, she is right back at start. She is a quitter – everyone knew – however, she has always been resilient on this fight with her sleep. Who wakes up in the middle of a night after being half asleep and now finds easier to just start a new day? She wonders if there is someone like her at this hour of night. The silent dark night steals away her wonders into something deep again.

The stillness puts her to loneliness and anxiety – AGAIN, YES. She attempts to figure out the reason behind recurring memories of her past creeping in slowly to spook her from behind. As she is putting up the pieces together, she feels like her heart’s being ripped out. The annoyingly insane pain in her heart. She Stops. Stops for a longgg breath. Tries to shut her mind off – the mind, flowing with memories – some beautiful and sweet, some ugly and devastating. She loathed how the feelings were coming onto her. They were after her like they were back to avenge her in cruelty with no mercy.

Her eyes are filled with tears. She has no idea! What’s wrong with her. She is crying at 2 am in the morning with no definite reason. Everything in the family is alright, including her love life. She thought, she was happy then why cry? Is it her past? Is she missing her Exes? Is she not happy? Does she think she is inadequate? Is it her current guy! Is he not treating her right? Does he not love her like she deserves?

No. It was something else. It was a buried past with no goodbyes and closures. Since she had not known how to close the past, she had to force it to lock it away and keep it in a dark safe corner that nobody would find. Today was That Day. That day –  when something from the past decides to instantly pop out or That Day – when someone or something triggers her memory of the past. Today, That Day, the gate of the past opened like a river flooding through a dam.

It was him this time. A sweet gentle looking handsome tall guy with a very bright smile. She had a huge crush on him. The ecstatic view bloomed over in her imagination when she was finally in a relationship with him. It was unreal – an alien feeling from beyond. This was IT! for her. After few months of romancing, dreaming, and talking, The Time for evaluation and measuring him up finally caught up.

She clearly knew that she should not but something was wrong with her. She had to. She could not let him off the hook just because she had a huge nerve-wrecking crush on him. She felt something off! The vibe was not there anymore. But unlike with so many other guys who she would date and the time it got a little messy and unromantic, she would just run away with a text saying “It’s not you, It’s me. You will meet someone great. Be happy”.

Of course! all of it were true but she did not believe it herself. It was just a regular phrase for her to break up with guys. She was dumb and stupid, yet always considered herself smart and clever. She thought she knew everything, but it was a sad little dream. She could not. She did not.

The guy was okay but she started noticing red flags and negative auras from which she ought to run as far as possible. She was not the smartest but she was intuitive. She could feel things before they happened and still decided to ignore like every time. She liked him – or thought loved him – too much and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

The relationship with him became like a game after few months. She ghosted him, he ghosted her, then they talked and it continued. It was not abusive physically but was emotionally and psychologically – as she realized on the later years of their separation. They would live few weeks or days without but then something kept pulling them towards each other – Maybe it was their insecurities and ego.

That game between them grew heavy and more intense. Neither they could live with each other nor could they live without. The mind games, the jealousy, the screaming, the hurt, the hate, the anger, the fear, an inability to let go, the feeling of triumph over one another. It was Toxic. And then it was not.

She could never break him like she’d broken other guys into pieces neither could he. They both were playing safe to protect not only their heart but their ego as well. She is kind of person whose heart had never been broken before because she’s a leaver – she leaves before other person has an opportunity to hurt her. And the guy’s heart had been broken once, so this time he was making sure she is the one before all commitments. This was fun. Both liked each other but not enough to be pinned down with. Both played, both lost.

This was one of her traumatic pasts without closure. Every time they separated, they looked forward to the time they came back running to each other. Only this time, that point had faded away like written letters on sand get washed away by waves and each time it almost happened, it would just get washed away by quick torrents. It was a very long time and there was almost no chance of that happening again in this lifetime.

It was past 4 am – almost dawn had started to make its way to a new day and a fresh beginning. She slowly opened her eyes only to find herself sleeping in arms of her husband who loved her and who she loved unconditionally. Looking back at the past, she realized how beautiful now her life is. Despite all her scars of past which, by the way, was caused by a lot more than just one person, this new day felt like her reincarnation. She also realized how important it was for her to go through all that hell because without them this very moment would not have added much meaning, value and charms to her new founded life.

The Nightmare still Haunts! But she’s at peace and now learning to accept the chills in calm.   

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