Your Social Anxiety

Surrounded by a crowd, you sit alone wondering when you get to leave. Loud music in the back, your mind’s flying up above like clouds floating perfectly- as if giving a scenic view to people. You enjoy your own company rather than being with all fancy people who don’t touch your soul but just a mere company to laugh at silly stuffs. You’re a total weirdo, you know that you don’t fit but here you are- what can I say? So many attempts at talking and being friendly and yet another disappointment. You’re invited to this very party by your friend (who you’re still waiting for) to socialize, however, look at you! in the corner gulping an orange juice (avoiding people) like you’re in a hurry to get to places- Well! you’re not.

You recalled, a month before the party, you’re invited at your friend’s place (luckily, you had managed to get yourself a friend, it’s strange! honestly), where he lived with his family. The family was big and crowded, and you’re super nervous – in a state where you’re about to just throw up in their front balcony and run as fast as you could- yeah! I know, not a nice first impression. Regardless of your social fear, you managed to spell out few words from your mouth. You must’ve felt so brave and all powerful now that you’ve talked to all members of the family even though the exact two sentences were “hi, how’re you doing? I’ve heard so much about you” and smile.

The meeting with the family was a huge success, according to you. Now, you’ve got a superpower of overcoming glossophobia. You thought, now you could address to thousands or even millions of people on the stage at once, but it’s not really the case; now is it? You’ve had several awkward and silent encounters with the family. When they’d finished asking about you, you’re just sitting aside smiling and staring at a cup infront of you as if you’re doing some sequenced directed gestures. It’s not that you did not try, whenever you wanted to spit a word out, it felt impossible as if someone were strangling you with all the energy they’ve got. It’s always been hard for you to be vocal infront of others.

Despite your fear, you constantly sweat to make others comfortable, and sometimes your efforts would make others uncomfortable- whatever the case is- some still felt safe and found comfort around you. You’ve always been like that, a bit weird but empathetic. Your inflexibility sometimes worked its charm around someone like you as you’d talk about your social anxiety and laugh about your embarrassing moments.

People-who are socially comfortable obviously- would often perceive you as reserved, inhospitable, self-contained; let me guess the words. Nobody would understand how it felt when it came to talking to people, you’d be so self-aware that it became impossible to notice a little bit of yourself –your bitten fingernails, ripped jeans, loose t-shirts, laughs, teeth, words that’s coming out of your mouth, every little details about you; the case even holds up with the familiar faces like friends or relatives you’ve known since you’re a little.

Oftentimes, you’d be quiet and silent sitting in the corner just like in your friend’s house and in the party. People would think you’re a loner or too dumb to pull off a conversation regarding the subject matters, but it’s really not the case, oh! NO. You’re not a loner or a chicken – it’s your mind that loiters up, down and around of every corner that there is. The deep and vast mind that just is way too complex and incogitable, one’d wish to escape from it but won’t be able to. If they’d dive deep into your thoughts, they’d be imprisoned there forever being unable to even whisper a word of help.

You talk a lot in there that nobody ever might have heard someone talk that much faster, louder, and with so much of meaning. In your mind, you’re the Galileo, Abraham Lincoln, Da Vinci, Shakespeare, H Houdini, who talks about the whole universe, politics, science, afterlife, magic, mathematics, astrology, you could talk about all and at once- let others guess. And when you talk about those things, your heart races up to unimaginable. Those are the only topics you want to talk about, the rest of your life. You once went to a party, stunning view, glorious event, glamour and glitters (let me imagine) but nothing shined brighter than the conversation you’ve had about the science and evolution with the stranger in a middle of the night.

Broad and immeasurable topics always enticed and shook you to the core. When something sparks your mind, touches your soul, you immediately start hoarding them as if you’re going to build an empire in there. It’s not that you’re afraid to talk, it’s that, nobody’s ever been able to start a conversation about the things that light you up real-quick in a certain way- well! their loss. Despite the bad sides, be thankful that having a social phobia, you’re way too empathetic than the rest. You’re a great observer and a great listener which makes you a great partner and an affectionate friend. You think about them and care way too much minus the negative facts- obviously.

Your social anxiety makes you different from the rests as ‘only you’ get to enjoy the deepness and immenseness ofyour thoughts and feelings – that no other could get in their lifetime even if they’d wish. I know, there’re disagreeable sides of being afraid to socialize as well, but hear me out, “rather than being half-full, it’s way better to be fullfull even though there’re chances of some spilling out” (got to accept both the good and the bad). I am not just sugarcoating this, but it’s not entirely fair – them judging you- cause they’ve not worn your shoes (not even one of them).

Remember, so many times, people have thanked and appreciated you for how you cared and what you did for them; all thanks to your super active thinking powers (which is followed by weirdness and awkwardness obvs.). Again, you’re there, sitting in the corner at the party, still waiting for your friend to ask for permission to leave. If it were not for someone like you, they’d probably left the party (without asking to leave) with just a text or may be with nothing. And yes! you surely went to your friend’s house despite it almost killed you (out of own anxiety) because you knew it meant something to your friend and you wanted to be a small reason for his happiness.

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